so much...

well, there has been a TON going on lately...although not on the outside. it is all in my head...transitions in what i focus on, what i deem important, what changes i want to prepare for. but that makes for some of the most intense phases in life. you're working the same job, you've got all the same commitments...yet your mind and heart are radically changing. then all of the big questions come: what changes do i make first? how will my life look different now? if my life doesn't outwardly change, am i not as passionate about these inward changes as i should be? etc., etc., etc...
the trickiest part of every change, for me personally, is what to do when i can't formulate a plan; when there isn't an equation that lines out what should come next. how do i commit to try when i don't even know what the next steps are?...my rational mind asks me. i'm not the smartest kid on the block...i never have been...but i can usually work things out in my mind...at least at some basic level. this is all a very general, round-about attempt at explaining my thoughts...let me just get to the point already...

i have decided that it is extremely important for me to figure out what i want to do with my life...if i could do anything at all, without limitation...what would that be...and then do everything in my power to go after it. i've got a lot going for me in this endeavor, and there is just as much standing in the way. but for me, this is the crucial question...the ultimate crossroads. because so far, all i've been able to honestly determine is that Christ is my Lord, and i will live the rest of my days following Him. beyond that, oh there are thousands of things i could do...hundreds of things i would love to do...but what is the one thing? or easier still...what are the five things that i would drop everything and say "yes" if the opportunity presented itself? because really, if you don't know what you want, how do you recognize it when it's right in-front of you? right?

there are a lot of question marks in this post...i just wanted to take a moment and point that out.

part of what triggered this is a commitment i made 5 days ago...it goes a little something like this: i committed to only reading the Word, or things pertaining to the Word (i.e. commentaries, theology books, scriptural indexes) for 30 days. so for a month, the only reading i will do will be to study the Bible. if you know me at all, you know this is huge for me. if you don't know me, let me explain...i read a lot. not just everyday...a lot. probably 100+ pages of something everyday. now maybe i have no concept of what a lot is...maybe in the world of a philosopher, or a graduate student, hundreds of pages of reading comes with the territory. but there it is...for my little world, i'm a reader. the problem is that when i graduated with my little biblical studies undergrad degree, i stopped studying. huge difference between studying and reading. it was like: freedom!...i can read whatever i want!! so for the last 3 years, i have read everything i can get my hands on...and truth be known, my little travel-size Bible that had, sadly, become a textbook has been opened rarely during this time. so about a week ago, out of nowhere, i had a moment of clarity...i knew exactly what i needed to do, what i was somehow supposed to do...shelve every book i own, and open only that leather-bound Bible. if this means i miss out on some ground-breaking article, oh well. if this means i lose sleep because i can't calm my thoughts, too bad. so i did...
in 4 days time, what i have discovered is that i don't know what my purpose is. i don't know what is important to me...i don't know what i would leave my home to do...i don't know where to focus my energy and resources and time...i simply don't know...

i'm not ok with that. for too long, i have run away from things by simply not caring. if something pops up that i'm scared to lose...i simply make myself stop caring about it, and problem solved. but not anymore. i need my life to be personal...to have meaning...to be risky and scary because i care so much about what i'm doing and the people i'm serving that if my situation changed, i would be crushed. not devastated, not hopeless...but upset, you know? i want to care deeply, be deeply involved...and confession: i'm just not right now. i need to know why that is...what needs to change. because the reality is, it's possible. i am actually in a position that i could leave everything, change everything, and do something different. go somewhere different. i haven't fought for that out of fear...what if i fail, what if i lose, what if there's pain? but now it's like...exactly. i have to allow myself to fail...i have to try no matter what...because in that, i'm freeing myself up to succeed.
i'm tired of this numb life. i'm tired of always being fine. i hate that i never panic, that i never freak out, that i'm content. as clearly as i have ever heard from God, i feel like He is saying, "now's the time!" i'm going to answer those questions...and then i'm going to fight in that right direction. i'm going to try for what is important...what could be life-changing...what i could love...what might bring pain...

and you should too.