there are conversations, and then there are GREAT conversations. the great-ness comes when you are speaking with someone you trust...you trust them enough to let your true thoughts come out...thoughts that you hadn't even realized yet.

last night, i had a GREAT conversation with a sweet friend, Bek. about all sorts of things. but during this conversation, i realized something pretty revolutionary. i realized that i am sick of trying to be in control of my life. i do not WANT to make decisions anymore. i do not WANT to be the leader anymore. i want to follow someone...i feel like i am ready to follow someone.

this is huge. this thinking is completely foreign to my little control-freak brain. i have constantly struggled to relinquish control to anyone...i am a female that ENJOYS making decisions...so what is going ON???

i will tell you...its God. He's after me. and i reckon He's been after me for a long-time. we've been family for years...(i sort-of expected the chase to have ended by now)...but i've never felt my NEED for Him as strongly as i do now. maybe it is because, from experience, i know for certain that i will screw things up on my own. because i have...screwed things up, that is. but now i think that another part of this is that He is molding me to be a follower, not a leader. He is trimming away at my independent self...my soap-box loving fighter side. i do not need to "step up"...i need to step down.

i'll admit it: scary.