when i was in college, going back to dallas was always a strange thing. you see people that you know, and yet...you no longer know them. and your own parents, who raised you from birth, suddenly seem more distant. they don't know your friends, they don't live where you live...and on and on with everyone you used to "know." it's a strange sort-of feeling when home is familiar only as a location...the relationships no longer connect.
and now that i've moved on, my sweet little college town has become the next page of this same story. i still love the familiar places...my favorite road...the smelly little restaurants...the crazy ivy that will soon consume the town...it is still home. but the few friends that are left become more and more distant. the family that i changed with, and grew up with, is no longer the same. you see people that know every piece of your history, and you suddenly don't know what to say or how to relax. it isn't as sad as it sounds...rather, it is one of those moments where you try to consciously soak everything in. you try to be aware of whatever great lesson you are learning...try to feel yourself growing. strange is a better word, not sad.
but the result is an overwhelming restlessness. this current place doesn't know me yet...i don't have a "spot" that is perfect for sitting outside...or a road that makes me smile (although there are several that make me curse). and the people here are not family...not yet, anyway. there is beauty here...potential even...but the familiarity hasn't taken hold.
it makes me think of my sweet family...not the parents, but the great aunts and the 3rd and 4th cousins...all those traditional hearts who could never leave south Texas. how naive i was for thinking they were missing it...thinking that because i had seen "more" of the world, i somehow would live a fuller life. maybe there isn't any scale that puts life in better or worse...maybe they have found a depth and a peace that variety will never provide...even with all of its excitement.
just when you're ready for change...you miss home.
and now that i've moved on, my sweet little college town has become the next page of this same story. i still love the familiar places...my favorite road...the smelly little restaurants...the crazy ivy that will soon consume the town...it is still home. but the few friends that are left become more and more distant. the family that i changed with, and grew up with, is no longer the same. you see people that know every piece of your history, and you suddenly don't know what to say or how to relax. it isn't as sad as it sounds...rather, it is one of those moments where you try to consciously soak everything in. you try to be aware of whatever great lesson you are learning...try to feel yourself growing. strange is a better word, not sad.
but the result is an overwhelming restlessness. this current place doesn't know me yet...i don't have a "spot" that is perfect for sitting outside...or a road that makes me smile (although there are several that make me curse). and the people here are not family...not yet, anyway. there is beauty here...potential even...but the familiarity hasn't taken hold.
it makes me think of my sweet family...not the parents, but the great aunts and the 3rd and 4th cousins...all those traditional hearts who could never leave south Texas. how naive i was for thinking they were missing it...thinking that because i had seen "more" of the world, i somehow would live a fuller life. maybe there isn't any scale that puts life in better or worse...maybe they have found a depth and a peace that variety will never provide...even with all of its excitement.
just when you're ready for change...you miss home.
posted by Charla at 3:39 PM
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