next?
it is a saturday, and i am at work. but let me clarify...i willingly told people that i would be here, "just in case" they needed help registering late for our art festival. so now here i sit, not knowing if anyone will call, but not being able to leave because...well, i told people i would be here. so here i sit.
i have noticed lately that i am not a creature of balance...i am someone who lives in extremes. everything for me is black or white...very rarely is anything grey. and while this can make life very exciting at times...full of passion and adventure and arguments, all or nothing, etc...in quiet times, like now, it can make life confusing. going to work each day, having a handful of friends you see each week, going to bed at night...this always seemed to me a "grey" sort-of life. an in-between...where nothing is unusual, nothing is extra-ordinary...and while i didn't mean to decide that the grey life is bad, i sort-of did. and now here i am. and half of my brain is insisting that there is nothing wrong with my life...that there are lessons to be learned, that there is purpose to my work. but the other half of my brain is getting ancy...more and more every day. the ancy side is screaming: you've been doing the same thing for months now! let's make a change...let's move somewhere new...let's try a new job...
is there a deeper issue here? do i not know how to be content...will i always want whatever it is that i do not have? or worse, will i never even know what it is that i want?
i am not good at sticking things out...finishing what i've started...committing to, well, anything...this is not a new revelation. so part of me thinks: see...here is your chance! here is an opportunity to stay-put. commit to this life for a while, and stick it out. but then that other part of me says: that's just a cop-out. an excuse to make things easy. surely if you're not content, that must mean this is not the life for you!
what's crazy...or i should say, crazier...is that i actually love my job. and i love the people i work with. but it is very quiet right now. and i was so excited to have time to relax and read and have conversations that lasted more than 10 minutes. so i've done those things...alot, actually...and i'm ready for the next thing. and what if there is no next thing? i came here thinking i'd be here for at least 2 years...unless something crazy happened...and now, i'm wishing for the crazy thing to happen! whatever it is! maybe i don't want a quiet life. maybe i want to wake up excited each morning, and go to bed exhausted each night.
and here i sit. i feel grey.
i have noticed lately that i am not a creature of balance...i am someone who lives in extremes. everything for me is black or white...very rarely is anything grey. and while this can make life very exciting at times...full of passion and adventure and arguments, all or nothing, etc...in quiet times, like now, it can make life confusing. going to work each day, having a handful of friends you see each week, going to bed at night...this always seemed to me a "grey" sort-of life. an in-between...where nothing is unusual, nothing is extra-ordinary...and while i didn't mean to decide that the grey life is bad, i sort-of did. and now here i am. and half of my brain is insisting that there is nothing wrong with my life...that there are lessons to be learned, that there is purpose to my work. but the other half of my brain is getting ancy...more and more every day. the ancy side is screaming: you've been doing the same thing for months now! let's make a change...let's move somewhere new...let's try a new job...
is there a deeper issue here? do i not know how to be content...will i always want whatever it is that i do not have? or worse, will i never even know what it is that i want?
i am not good at sticking things out...finishing what i've started...committing to, well, anything...this is not a new revelation. so part of me thinks: see...here is your chance! here is an opportunity to stay-put. commit to this life for a while, and stick it out. but then that other part of me says: that's just a cop-out. an excuse to make things easy. surely if you're not content, that must mean this is not the life for you!
what's crazy...or i should say, crazier...is that i actually love my job. and i love the people i work with. but it is very quiet right now. and i was so excited to have time to relax and read and have conversations that lasted more than 10 minutes. so i've done those things...alot, actually...and i'm ready for the next thing. and what if there is no next thing? i came here thinking i'd be here for at least 2 years...unless something crazy happened...and now, i'm wishing for the crazy thing to happen! whatever it is! maybe i don't want a quiet life. maybe i want to wake up excited each morning, and go to bed exhausted each night.
and here i sit. i feel grey.
posted by Charla at 1:19 PM
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