Let me learn
by paradox
that the way down is up
that to be low is to be high.
-Unknown

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord.
Isa 55:8

Go here: www.evangelicaloutpost.com and read the entry "Plagued by Certainty". it's a little wordy at first, but i've never heard this vantage point before...feeling misunderstood because of the certainty of your faith, rather than your doubt. interesting. it is usually the doubting side of things that people struggle with, and you hear them talk about wishing they had more faith so that they would know what "Mr. So-and-so" was talking about. i've never even considered the possibility that there might be someone so grounded and certain in their faith that they feel like no one understands them...like they should doubt more than they do. crazy. read it.

Psalm 4
For the director of music. With stringed instruments. A psalm of David.

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Selah.

Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD will hear when I call to him.

In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Selah.

Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD.

Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.

I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

2 things...

i am reading C.S.Lewis' space trilogy, and he is a genius. i was worried the story would not be interesting enough to hold my attention...but here and there are these truly brilliant ideas; i keep turning the pages simply to find out what he will write next. last night i read a paragraph where one of the characters was trying to explain that everything is essentially the same, but moving at different speeds. light and sound seem like they are not solid bodies, but really they are just moving faster than we are. and things that seem invisible are simply moving faster than light, etc. brilliant.

has everyone seen the movie "Contact"? well, i think it's amazing...but there is one scene that has been in my mind all day, and i can't figure out why. the main character comes to the point of stepping out into the unknown...where she can turn back or go for it...and she sits in the chair barely able to handle the pressure, and says over and over "I'm ok to go..." i don't know why that is in my mind right now. if i am about to jump into something scary and unknown, i hope i am that brave. the end.

Sorry, but I have to...
10 years ago:
1) It was almost time to start my 2nd year of highschool, which seemed pretty great at the time.
2) I was working at the Kroger down the street.
3) We were living in my least favorite apartment ever.
4) The experiment of dating 2 guys at once turned out not-so-fun.
5) I went toilet papering with friends and managed 6 houses in one night...but definitely got in trouble for it later.

5 Years ago:
1) I lived in Germany for 11 weeks and discovered what it means to feel at home with "strangers".
2) I felt that being 20 meant I no longer needed to listen to anyone's advice...oh, SO wrong.
3) I was standing on the edge of the hardest year of my life, and had no clue.
4) Music got moved to 2nd...what Faith would truly mean in my life got top priority.
5) I dated an Austrian, and stage-managed my first show.

1 year ago:
1) My life consisted of cleaning up JPAC's backstage and sleeping in late.
2) I was about to live with a crazy person.
3) I thought working in a library would be a great idea.
4) $400 was a lot of money.
5) I still thought I'd be moving back to Dallas.

Yesterday:
1) I didn't get to talk to any of my family.
2) I watched "Indiana Jones" for the first time in years.
3) I drank a great glass of wine.
4) I shared an epiphany with a great friend.
5) I went to bed too late.

5 Snacks I Like:
1) goldfish
2) Reeses
3) yogurt and bananas
4) blackberries
5) iced coffee

5 Songs I Know all the Words to:
1) "Creep"
2) "The Man Who Sold the World"
3) "How Great is Our God"
4) "Yesterday"
5) "Losing My Religion"

If I Had a Million Dollars:
1) I would make my teeth straight.
2) I would cook elaborate meals for people all the time.
3) I would pay off all my debt and then move out of the country.
4) I would plan a trip to Europe and Africa for November, rather than the spring...if ever.
5) I would learn about investing money.

5 Things I Would Never Wear:
1) tube-tops
2) a fanny pack
3) stretch pants
4) basically anything from the '80s
5) a shirt that says "Jesus is my homeboy" or "Mary is my homegirl"

Favorite TV Shows:
1) Seinfeld
2) That '70s Show
3) Friends
4) RockStar
5) So You Think You Can Dance

interesting...

http://christianitytoday.com/outreach/articles/homegrownchurch.html

i have moved into a house that is brand new and WAY too nice...it's the kind of house that the popular kids lived in when i was in elementary school. crazy times. i am not sure yet if it will work out long term...the owner of the house has lots of rules...and i am NOT good with rules...but even for a little while, it is a blessing.

i had an epiphany the other day that i thought i would share...even if only to reiterate it to myself. here it is: most of the time, i have trouble believing that God really cares about me. i mean...me, personally, charla blakelock...that HE cares for me. and then if i can get that part, then i have trouble with the grace side of things...that He will still love me and take care of me even if i suck...which i usually do. now for the epiphany part: this past semester was probably one of the more shabby times of my life. not that anything bad happened to me, but rather that i was bad...was definitely not seeking the way i should, or even asking for help when i needed it. and yet, here i sit, and God provided me with an incredible job, a great community, even a place to live. so i was not asking for help, i was not living right, i was not doing anything the way i should...and God still looked out for me. woh. for someone with my kind-of black and white, doubting brain...that is huge. i didn't come through on ANY part of my end of the deal...and God was faithful in EVERY way. ouch. it's not right, really...it certainly isn't fair, that the Creator of the Universe looks out for a scumbag like me. and yet, He does. and even if i don't understand...and if i don't care...and definitely when i don't deserve it...none of this changes who He is. none of what i do changes His faithfulness. nothing that happens will ever change what He has set out to accomplish. yikes...i would say that leaves a person speechless, although clearly it does not. i will say that it makes me wonder...how many times is God going to have to teach me this same lesson before i really get it? probably every day, for the rest of my life.

i don't know how to say Thank You. i pray that i won't ever give up trying to figure that out.